I went to therapy today and it was the hardest session that I've been through so far. I think my therapist was trying to encourage me to cry, or at least to have the option out there. I've been having trouble with my mom again. I thought we had things going so well for so long, but things got difficult again; some things that aren't even my fault. She (my therapist) said it's the hardest to feel grief for those who are still alive. My mother should love me unconditionally, even if I've made mistakes as a child. When you keep resurfacing those mistakes that already happened, you are putting guilt into someone's life. I feel guilty, I feel like a burden, I feel like my self-esteem stems from my mom. It's always something, and I'm always making mistakes. I'm tired of it, I don't live my life to fit your idea of who you want me to be. I'm going to be myself, and if you don't like it, then that's something you need to work on, not mine. I want to build a stable relationship with you, I've tried. But you're immature and so fucking selfish I can't keep putting in most of the effort. I can't keep being guided into stability and unstable, I'd much rather just have you be unreasonable with me cuz it would make moving on so much easier... I just want you to be a mom, someone who supports my emotions, someone who cares, something real and not a facade. I want to go to you about my problems and let me cry on your shoulder. But maybe you just don't fit my idea of a mother,,,maybe I'll find the mother I need in other people who are willing to care about me. Maybe being a mother wasn't your best fit in the first place.

MOVIES I LOVE O3O (FAVORITE SCENES)

-Fantastic Mr.Fox (it's just really beautiful)
https://external-preview.redd.it/t-Ni7AsnLJyjkWmQWV-wxaZkixoUOK-ViD3JjXyD1eY.gif?format=png8&s=291ac5dd8c0537f0b967d1b472dc0a343219997c
-Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown (the classic 'i got a rock')
https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/peanuts/images/1/1d/I_Got_A_Rock_-_Charlie_Brown_Halloween.jpg/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/340?cb=20171130035344
-Bugs Life (another, it's a rock! hehe)
https://pisces.bbystatic.com/image2/BestBuy_US/exc/videometadata/thumbnail/ad96f1f357241b3426e13752869ccfa0.jpg
-Indiana Jones (this huge fighting scene must of been hard to do in one take) o.o
https://bamfstyle.files.wordpress.com/2015/07/indytux-cl1-jkt2.jpg
-Ferris Bueller's Day Off (gosh there's too many favorites, staring out the window scene, the car falling, ferris running home, the parade, i relate to cameron a lot and i really like this one) plays swimming pool by the front bottoms lol
https://idrawonmywall.files.wordpress.com/2018/07/screen-shot-2018-07-12-at-10-19-20-am.png?w=600
-My Neighbor Totoro (the tree growing)
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/81/4f/94/814f94ed3251def1508048e087cf905b.jpg
-Dead Poets Society (just....all of the quotes)
https://runninginmyhead.files.wordpress.com/2014/08/dead-poets-society-seize-the-day-notebook.jpg
-Harry Potter (when remus finds out that peter is still alive, leading to the scene where he finds out sirius escaped)
https://medias.spotern.com/spots/w640/45/45150-1541437025.jpg
-Lord of the Rings (this scene scared the sh*t out of me as a kid, but it also made them realize how dangerous this journey really was)
https://dekanerab.files.wordpress.com/2008/10/hiddenreal.jpg
SHOWS I ENJOY
-Bobs Burgers
-Legends of the Hidden Temple
-Star Trek
-Bluey
-Moomin Valley
-Haikyuu

-I'm caught in my own feelings listening to boys don't cry by the cure. I've always said I want to skateboard around town listening to the cure, and I live by that lmao.

-I feel like everyone is having a really hard day today, that includes me. I posted about starting T on my facebook, and got so many amazing comments. I knew my mom wouldn't say anything about it tho cuz she doesn't fully support me, or at least the physical changes that I know of. I think she still sees me as her "little girl" blehh... She did bring up not replying anything, and she said she's proud of me, but I think she just doesn't want to hurt my feelings. I kind of see it as the puberty I was supposed to go through, and that it comes completely natural to me for this process to happen.

-She brought up my brother bringing a friend over while he's visiting her out of state, and this person was trans without her knowing. I mean, obviously you don't know. That's the whole god damn point. But anyway, she said she adored this person and it gave her an insight on my transition? So I'm really lost on if she'll support me, maybe she just needs more information on the subject.

-When I called her I spoke to her honestly about having a conversation in the future on the subject of me transitioning so I can educate her. It was a little awkward bringing it up, but I guess I thought I wouldn't have to go in-depth on my transition with anyone.

-Maybe I was being selfish and only thinking about how it would affect me and not others, so I never had the thought cross my mind. I've had a toxic relationship with someone who didn't support it either, but that's kinda off of the subject cuz I cut them out of my life and I feel much happier now. I don't want to have to cut out my mom as well, I kinda already did that with my twin brother a few weeks ago :/

-I started journaling, I keep trying different things to keep me in check and feeling productive, although so far I dropped all of the tools I've been using and trying other things. I hope this one sticks cuz so far I can't keep my attention on anything.

-I guess the best part of my day is hanging out with my dog and cuddling my elephant stuffie. Oh and watering my plants.

Gahhhh, I typed everything out and went to post and it didn't save ;-; we shall try blogging again lol
-Gosh, idk how people go all out on their pages with CSS. Kudos to them with all the smallest of details!

-I'm trying to get multiple images to repeat in the background, but it doesn't like me. I'll just say heck it and try it again another time XD

-I'm not sure what today has in store for me, but I'm feeling better as the hours pass and I start to wake up more! I went on a walk with my dog and I might go on a walk with my older brother later today (with social distancing >.>)

-The conversations my brother and I had made me feel more human last time we went on a walk. We talked about our similar struggles and our individual accomplishments! At one point he brought up how he felt weird talking about the things that made him feel good about himself.

-I said fuck it! You should feel free to express your own self-growth and struggles! There's so much negativity in the world and we should be able to express the things that make us happy without feeling like we'll be judged, we should normalize our small achievements in life because sometimes it's hard to feel like you're making progress. So do it!! Talk about something you did that made you happy, do things that aren't apart of the status quo, fuck the "normal" lifestyle, and live your life to the fullest!!

-I made some homemade horchata last night and I'm excited to drink it! I also got my favorite cereal from the store (honey bunches of oats) and I ate some at like 11 pm last night XD I might listen to an old ep. of All the Space in Between because they didn't have a new episode this Monday o.o Theres this bit they did that makes me laugh super hard every time, their humor is interesting and it's something I've been listening to for the past year as comfort from what I've been struggling with. Enjoy! Woof woof! https://twitter.com/allthespacepod/status/1259379199208353792

Hello fwiends! I've never made a blog like this before and so this is very new and exciting for me. I'll be using it as a place to write down my thoughts/feelings for personal use as well as just posting to share my interests to make new fwiends!! :3 I hope that you enjoy my blog, and I can't wait to meet new peeps! XD