i was gone for the weekend and wasnt able to post here
sorry for that
i hung out with my grandma who ill be calling beanma
it was nice hanging with her we had fun and even brought my cousin along yesterday to see lights
christmas lights that is
i dont want to dwell any longer there was a specific interaction thats burning in the back of my brain since it happened yesterday
i was talking to beanma and i opened up to her about how i think i have autism and she went
"no you dont have it because everyone with autism is really bad socially even around they friends and you arent like that"
excuse me
???????
i get what she means that its a pretty major "symptom" or behavior of autism but its not like you have to show all the traits of something to have it
thats dumb
and shes even wrong about that too
ive had moments in the past sure
social moments
but she never sees me normally
im usually extremely quiet even around my friends anyway
her statement is wrong in almost every way
idk it really frustrated me
shes usually really logical about stuff like this but
im starting to think maebe my views were skewed since she was a role model for me
i just believed everything she said because she gave off this impression she was really smart
but everyones perspectives are skewed
we only know what weve experienced
she doesnt have autism and i doubt shes researched it much
why would she need to
and i dont like getting into these serious conversations with her because i feel so trapped
she always finds a way to force me into oversharing or talking about things im uncomfortable with
and half the time her advice doesnt make sense
she doesnt know a lot of things ive learned
from just my experience this weekend
well she does
but not in what i need help with
which is
disconcerting
i suppose
its also really annoying how she gets so frustrated when i
put my earbuds in
she. told me to do that
she told me to put in earplugs whenever i need it
and due to noise sensitivity i need it a lot
but she gets angry
whenever i have them in and have music playing to drown out everything else
because "youre not paying attention to me we arent conversing"
and she gets bitchy about it
you literally told me to do it
shes very talkative too she doesnt. shut up
so this happens a lot
like cmon man please just let me recharge
its exhausting
i really dont like how she always talks so faux condescendingly idk how to describe it but
whenever she makes a point she gets a face and her tone changes to one sort of like "lol stupid kid doesnt know this heh im gonna be patronizingly nice about it" if that makes sense
i always feel patronized or condescended whenever that happens
which is sorta why i dont like talking to her when im in a bad mood
but then she notices im not talking to her and tries to make conversation and forces me into those situations again by asking nosy questions like "you look upset whats wrong" (when im not which btw IS A SYMPTOM OF AUTISM
i just kinda wish shed leave me alone sometimes yaknow
oh well

not much else to document i guess
im getting along with my aforementioned cousin again though which is really cool
our relationship is a bit weird
early in our lives she was really clingy towards me and loved hanging around me
then a few years later she became totally uninterested in me
then a couple years after that it was like roulette every time i saw them which isnt often
is it gonna be super affectionate clinginess or cold shoulder
and now weve reached a sort of middle ground
its like the eye of the storm
its cool shes nice
i dont mind this
too bad she traumatized me heavily when i was like 8 in ways i physically cant understand because it was adult things and i am a minor...... if you catch my drift :grimacing:
yeah
ciao

a lot happened today
so much happened
none of it was good
i went on a walk with my mom and right off the bat she hit me full force about school
im going to get some sort of setup in the office with just my dinky chromebook
then i had a meltdown
it was really bad
i dont like crying in front of others so when it does happen it never ends well
i dont know if it was because i was just having sensory overload
there are a lot of dogs in my neighborhood and they all bark
it hurts so much
but i need to go on these walks
im crying again
i dont know if it was just sensory overload or if the pressure from everything had finally broke me
if so i know what started it
my tablet breaking
then maybe the psychotic/paranoia episode my friend had
"im not here to control you im here to be your friend" my ass
then today the cup ramen i was going to have ended up having a hole in it and i had to throw it out after 3 minutes of trying to fix it which effectively put me in a bad mood
then school
and the dogs were the icing on the cake
i was crying the entire time
that is not an exaggeration
my mom suggested a lot of things for possible conversation but i couldnt keep up
if i talked i would sob again
so my mouth was sealed
except for me hyperventilating
she suggested noise cancelling headphones
and soundproofing my room
but i dont know anything
it might work it might not
i should be more willing to try things before shooting them down
my mom tries so hard with everything she does
and i just leech off of her
i feel so bad

i had a plan with school
i was gonna wade through float through this quarter
not doing anything i didnt even care about my grades
and then start fresh when i started homeschool
but i guess i cant do that now
im lying to my friend
i just set my activity on discord to "crying"
and my friend asked what was up if i needed to vent
and i lied said a half truth i guess
it got them to leave at least
but i feel so fake
but again
i dont want to vent to them
theyve vented to me in the past
i have mildly to them
but i dont like venting to people
not to people in that friend group
its not intimate /nsx /nr
i wonder if i should show my mom this
i think part of the reason why im doing this at all is because of my old therapist
i cant really remember if she told me to do this or not
but to "keep a journal"
sometimes i feel like im so fake
all of my problems are voluntary
that im just lying for attention
i half believe that
i have a record for lying about things like this
i wouldnt be surprised if i was also lying to myself
im disappointed in me
i never thought i would
do this
keep a diary
yeah
because if someone were to find it and blackmail me with it id be screwed
i think i just said that because im thinking about mic
on her character page didnt it say something like
'she keeps a diary where she writes everything in. she would hate for her deepest darkest secrets to be revealed!'
"Microphone has a diary, and would hate to have her deepest secrets revealed to others!"
75% right i suppose
but im literally publishing all this to myspace
anyone that views my profile can see it
so
hi
theres a reason why im doing this here and not privately
but i dont do well with words so i couldnt explain it well if i tried
so i wont bother
to put it absurdly simply i do it for the nonexistent audience
there

i wrote so much like 30 minutes ago
that i was going to post
and then it said "invalid" and logged me out so i lost everything
i probably went past the 4k characters allowed but its not like they tell you that
i should be saving these somewhere before posting them in case that happens again
well to recap
-i talked about my nostaligc love for 2011-2014 radio pop, considered coining a xenogender though didnt think on it much more
-sort of vented about how i hate i cant vibe on main (twitter) and its sorta been locked to an art account, exactly what i was trying to avoid
-thought about my mutuals that i know next to nothing about and how im inspired by them in a way
-considered locking my main to maebe let loose and become like my mutuals who i admire
ill expand on that now
again
thinking about it all i wanted to lock my main and talk like how i do on my personal
off topic i smell the slightest tang of
smoke?
like burning
its only there for a split second and only in a specific position
fyi im kinda cradling my pillow right now
and when i look up
with the top right vertice of my pillow in front of my face
i can very faintly smell it
and then it goes away
welp
i dont feel like continuing
ciao

i dont really know what this is yet
i just thought maebe if i were to keep a sort of
journal
it could help
in a way
i dont know how itll help
i dont know if itll help at all
but ill try
its not like i have anything better to do with my time

yesterday i had a conversation with my friend about nihilism and how we viewed life. its always gonna be a little jarring having such intense existential thoughts let alone expressing them
but it wasnt bad
i think i like talking about more mature topics
but not ones like world problems or political issues
those stress me out so i tend to avoid them as much as i can
am i a bad person for that
ive been told i have the power to change things like that. indirectly
but i dont even know if i care
im always at least a little disconnected from reality i always have been
i feel in my own void floating around just doin my thing
and i cant interact with the world or change anything
theres that nihilism ideology again
i would disappoint my mom if i grew up and still didnt care about politics
she explicitly said that
but i cant control what i care about i dont think
its not like i can control hyperfixations
it sort of sucks ive been hyperfixating on ii for so long
i dont even know if i can call it that anymore
am i just really really into ii?
for 5 months straight?
that number probably isnt accurate
i dont know how long ive been focusing
but its been several months i know that
its like im in a desert
a desert of ii
no maybe a
ocean
is a better word
no
the cosmos
ive been floating through outer space in the vastness of ii
every once in a while ill come across a moon
or planet
an oasis
that is another hyperfixation
like adventure time or mantis shrimp
but im ever moving
so i gotta leave them behind eventually
but ii is still there
its always there
i dont know if i want it to be there

ive started watching adventure time again woo
i had stopped for a while but im finally getting that momentum back
as of writing this im on season 6 episode 30
maebe ill hyperfixate again
i think that would be nice
its a little funny
how little my hyperfixations can last
i had one for epithet erased that lasted what
10 hours
ow
sorr