idk if i hate or love someone

ok so i changed schools some time ago and everything was shit and i was so fucking depressed but i made a friend like 5 months later and he was so kind i swear he talked to me and payed attention to me and we used to be together all the time so i kinda depended too much on him but i was happy lol of course he insulted me and was mean sometimes but he was a very good guy so uhh i started liking him ok and it seemed as if the feeling was mutual so i felt really happy and shit but then one day he came up to me and he said he liked some girl who btw was like 18 and we were like 13 so yeah i was really fucking confused cause it was obvious he liked me he even asked me to be his girlfriend and told me he loved me and shit he even said he wanted me to kiss him but idk so i was confused and obviously really fucking sad but life goes on so i helped him get the girl i even bought a gift for the girl for him to give it to her so yeah it fucking hurt plus at that time he became a lot more mean than before so i wanted to kill myself but i still helped him with the girl and yeah and the worst part is that that bitch did not even like him but still became his girlfriend??? she didnt even reply to his messages and ignored him a lot but he still loved her because she supposedly was alone and had no friends and everyone treated her like shit so i fucking hate that dude why couldnt he see i was alone and everyone hated me too? because his friends and him bullied the shit out of me and overall life was SHIT and why couldnt he see i was the only one who really loved him and did absolutely everything for him? i never wished anything bad for him, i was never mean to him and i always put his happiness before mine so what did i do wrong? i just hate myself because i was never good enough for him and i swear i tried to let him know that i loved him but it didnt work i wish we were still friends so he could at least treat me badly or something i feel he was the only person who has ever really loved me i miss him so much but i also want to torture him and make him die in the most horrible way.