oops

i was gone for the weekend and wasnt able to post here
sorry for that
i hung out with my grandma who ill be calling beanma
it was nice hanging with her we had fun and even brought my cousin along yesterday to see lights
christmas lights that is
i dont want to dwell any longer there was a specific interaction thats burning in the back of my brain since it happened yesterday
i was talking to beanma and i opened up to her about how i think i have autism and she went
"no you dont have it because everyone with autism is really bad socially even around they friends and you arent like that"
excuse me
???????
i get what she means that its a pretty major "symptom" or behavior of autism but its not like you have to show all the traits of something to have it
thats dumb
and shes even wrong about that too
ive had moments in the past sure
social moments
but she never sees me normally
im usually extremely quiet even around my friends anyway
her statement is wrong in almost every way
idk it really frustrated me
shes usually really logical about stuff like this but
im starting to think maebe my views were skewed since she was a role model for me
i just believed everything she said because she gave off this impression she was really smart
but everyones perspectives are skewed
we only know what weve experienced
she doesnt have autism and i doubt shes researched it much
why would she need to
and i dont like getting into these serious conversations with her because i feel so trapped
she always finds a way to force me into oversharing or talking about things im uncomfortable with
and half the time her advice doesnt make sense
she doesnt know a lot of things ive learned
from just my experience this weekend
well she does
but not in what i need help with
which is
disconcerting
i suppose
its also really annoying how she gets so frustrated when i
put my earbuds in
she. told me to do that
she told me to put in earplugs whenever i need it
and due to noise sensitivity i need it a lot
but she gets angry
whenever i have them in and have music playing to drown out everything else
because "youre not paying attention to me we arent conversing"
and she gets bitchy about it
you literally told me to do it
shes very talkative too she doesnt. shut up
so this happens a lot
like cmon man please just let me recharge
its exhausting
i really dont like how she always talks so faux condescendingly idk how to describe it but
whenever she makes a point she gets a face and her tone changes to one sort of like "lol stupid kid doesnt know this heh im gonna be patronizingly nice about it" if that makes sense
i always feel patronized or condescended whenever that happens
which is sorta why i dont like talking to her when im in a bad mood
but then she notices im not talking to her and tries to make conversation and forces me into those situations again by asking nosy questions like "you look upset whats wrong" (when im not which btw IS A SYMPTOM OF AUTISM
i just kinda wish shed leave me alone sometimes yaknow
oh well

not much else to document i guess
im getting along with my aforementioned cousin again though which is really cool
our relationship is a bit weird
early in our lives she was really clingy towards me and loved hanging around me
then a few years later she became totally uninterested in me
then a couple years after that it was like roulette every time i saw them which isnt often
is it gonna be super affectionate clinginess or cold shoulder
and now weve reached a sort of middle ground
its like the eye of the storm
its cool shes nice
i dont mind this
too bad she traumatized me heavily when i was like 8 in ways i physically cant understand because it was adult things and i am a minor...... if you catch my drift :grimacing:
yeah
ciao