underestimated

a lot happened today
so much happened
none of it was good
i went on a walk with my mom and right off the bat she hit me full force about school
im going to get some sort of setup in the office with just my dinky chromebook
then i had a meltdown
it was really bad
i dont like crying in front of others so when it does happen it never ends well
i dont know if it was because i was just having sensory overload
there are a lot of dogs in my neighborhood and they all bark
it hurts so much
but i need to go on these walks
im crying again
i dont know if it was just sensory overload or if the pressure from everything had finally broke me
if so i know what started it
my tablet breaking
then maybe the psychotic/paranoia episode my friend had
"im not here to control you im here to be your friend" my ass
then today the cup ramen i was going to have ended up having a hole in it and i had to throw it out after 3 minutes of trying to fix it which effectively put me in a bad mood
then school
and the dogs were the icing on the cake
i was crying the entire time
that is not an exaggeration
my mom suggested a lot of things for possible conversation but i couldnt keep up
if i talked i would sob again
so my mouth was sealed
except for me hyperventilating
she suggested noise cancelling headphones
and soundproofing my room
but i dont know anything
it might work it might not
i should be more willing to try things before shooting them down
my mom tries so hard with everything she does
and i just leech off of her
i feel so bad

i had a plan with school
i was gonna wade through float through this quarter
not doing anything i didnt even care about my grades
and then start fresh when i started homeschool
but i guess i cant do that now
im lying to my friend
i just set my activity on discord to "crying"
and my friend asked what was up if i needed to vent
and i lied said a half truth i guess
it got them to leave at least
but i feel so fake
but again
i dont want to vent to them
theyve vented to me in the past
i have mildly to them
but i dont like venting to people
not to people in that friend group
its not intimate /nsx /nr
i wonder if i should show my mom this
i think part of the reason why im doing this at all is because of my old therapist
i cant really remember if she told me to do this or not
but to "keep a journal"
sometimes i feel like im so fake
all of my problems are voluntary
that im just lying for attention
i half believe that
i have a record for lying about things like this
i wouldnt be surprised if i was also lying to myself
im disappointed in me
i never thought i would
do this
keep a diary
yeah
because if someone were to find it and blackmail me with it id be screwed
i think i just said that because im thinking about mic
on her character page didnt it say something like
'she keeps a diary where she writes everything in. she would hate for her deepest darkest secrets to be revealed!'
"Microphone has a diary, and would hate to have her deepest secrets revealed to others!"
75% right i suppose
but im literally publishing all this to myspace
anyone that views my profile can see it
so
hi
theres a reason why im doing this here and not privately
but i dont do well with words so i couldnt explain it well if i tried
so i wont bother
to put it absurdly simply i do it for the nonexistent audience
there