figuring it out

i dont really know what this is yet
i just thought maebe if i were to keep a sort of
journal
it could help
in a way
i dont know how itll help
i dont know if itll help at all
but ill try
its not like i have anything better to do with my time

yesterday i had a conversation with my friend about nihilism and how we viewed life. its always gonna be a little jarring having such intense existential thoughts let alone expressing them
but it wasnt bad
i think i like talking about more mature topics
but not ones like world problems or political issues
those stress me out so i tend to avoid them as much as i can
am i a bad person for that
ive been told i have the power to change things like that. indirectly
but i dont even know if i care
im always at least a little disconnected from reality i always have been
i feel in my own void floating around just doin my thing
and i cant interact with the world or change anything
theres that nihilism ideology again
i would disappoint my mom if i grew up and still didnt care about politics
she explicitly said that
but i cant control what i care about i dont think
its not like i can control hyperfixations
it sort of sucks ive been hyperfixating on ii for so long
i dont even know if i can call it that anymore
am i just really really into ii?
for 5 months straight?
that number probably isnt accurate
i dont know how long ive been focusing
but its been several months i know that
its like im in a desert
a desert of ii
no maybe a
ocean
is a better word
no
the cosmos
ive been floating through outer space in the vastness of ii
every once in a while ill come across a moon
or planet
an oasis
that is another hyperfixation
like adventure time or mantis shrimp
but im ever moving
so i gotta leave them behind eventually
but ii is still there
its always there
i dont know if i want it to be there

ive started watching adventure time again woo
i had stopped for a while but im finally getting that momentum back
as of writing this im on season 6 episode 30
maebe ill hyperfixate again
i think that would be nice
its a little funny
how little my hyperfixations can last
i had one for epithet erased that lasted what
10 hours
ow
sorr