SHREK

                     Once upon a time there was a lovely 
                     princess. But she had an enchantment 
                     upon her of a fearful sort which could 
                     only be broken by love's first kiss. 
                     She was locked away in a castle guarded 
                     by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. 
                     Many brave knights had attempted to 
                     free her from this dreadful prison, 
                     but non prevailed. She waited in the 
                     dragon's keep in the highest room of 
                     the tallest tower for her true love 
                     and true love's first kiss. (laughs) 
                     Like that's ever gonna happen. What 
                     a load of - (toilet flush)

           Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his 
           day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go 
           after the ogre.

           NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME

                                 MAN1
                     Think it's in there?

                                 MAN2
                     All right. Let's get it!

                                 MAN1
                     Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that 
                     thing can do to you?

                                 MAN3
                     Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's 
                     bread.

           Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.

                                 SHREK
                     Yes, well, actually, that would be a 
                     giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. 
                     They'll make a suit from your freshly 
                     peeled skin.

                                 MEN
                     No!

                                 SHREK
                     They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the 
                     jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's 
                     quite good on toast.

                                 MAN1
                     Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! 
                     (waves the torch at Shrek.)

           Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The 
           men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long 
           and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the 
           men are in the dark.

                                 SHREK
                     This is the part where you run away. 
                     (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) 
                     And stay out! (looks down and picks 
                     up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. 
                     Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and 
                     throws the paper over his shoulder.)

           THE NEXT DAY

           There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard 
           sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures 
           to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line 
           are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto 
           who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three 
           little pigs.

                                 GUARD
                     All right. This one's full. Take it 
                     away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!

                                 HEAD GUARD
                     Next!

                                 GUARD
                     (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! 
                     Your flying days are over. (breaks the 
                     broom in half)

                                 HEAD GUARD
                     That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. 
                     Next!

                                 GUARD
                     Get up! Come on!

                                 HEAD GUARD
                     Twenty pieces.

                                 LITTLE BEAR
                     (crying) This cage is too small.

                                 DONKEY
                     Please, don't turn me in. I'll never 
                     be stubborn again. I can change. Please! 
                     Give me another chance!

                                 OLD WOMAN
                     Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)

                                 DONKEY
                     Oh!

                                 HEAD GUARD
                     Next! What have you got?

                                 GIPETTO
                     This little wooden puppet.

                                 PINOCCHIO
                     I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his 
                     nose grows)

                                 HEAD GUARD
                     Five shillings for the possessed toy. 
                     Take it away.

                                 PINOCCHIO
                     Father, please! Don't let them do this! 
                     Help me!

           Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up 
           to the table.

                                 HEAD GUARD
                     Next! What have you got?

                                 OLD WOMAN
                     Well, I've got a talking donkey.

                                 HEAD GUARD
                     Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, 
                     if you can prove it.

                                 OLD WOMAN
                     Oh, go ahead, little fella.

Donkey just looks up at her.

                                 HEAD GUARD
                     Well?

                                 OLD WOMAN
                     Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little 
                     nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. 
                     Talk, you boneheaded dolt...

                                 HEAD GUARD
                     That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

                                 OLD WOMAN
                     No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends 
                     to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to 
                     talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing 
                     you ever saw.

                                 HEAD GUARD
                     Get her out of my sight.

                                 OLD WOMAN
                     No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

           The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One 
           of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's 
           hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled 
           with fairy dust and he's able to fly.

                                 DONKEY
                     Hey! I can fly!

                                 PETER PAN
                     He can fly!

                                 3 LITTLE PIGS
                     He can fly!

                                 HEAD GUARD
                     He can talk!

                                 DONKEY
                     Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm 
                     a flying, talking donkey. You might 
                     have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly 
                     but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey 
                     fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins 
                     to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink 
                     to the ground.)

           He hits the ground with a thud.

                                 HEAD GUARD
                     Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) 
                     After him!

                                 GUARDS
                     He's getting away! Get him! This way! 
                     Turn!

           Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. 
           Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared 
           for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He 
           quickly hides behind Shrek.

                                 HEAD GUARD
                     You there. Ogre!

                                 SHREK
                     Aye?

                                 HEAD GUARD
                     By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized 
                     to place you both under arrest and transport 
                     you to a designated resettlement facility.

                                 SHREK
                     Oh, really? You and what army?

           He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well 
           and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail 
           and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and 
           begins walking back to his cottage.

                                 DONKEY

Shrek