𓄃 Diary ish pt.2 𓄃

4/19/2021
11:34 PM

Oh boy today was wow. My mood went from okay to reaallllyyyy bad. I hate days like this that end bad. I wish that they started bad and ended good. I made a new friend today but then I started to feel really sad and dysphoric and I really didn't want to talk to anyone. But then my other really good friend told me about how awful of a day they were having and I had to help them. I hate when they get in those moods because there's never anything I can do about it. Nothing I say gets to him and it makes me really stressed and sad. Every time he gets in one of his moods it pretty much ruins my whole day. I love him a lot though so I can't just not do anything about it. Plus a lot of the time he does make me really happy. It still just feels like I'm giving a lot more then I'm getting though. Also school is stressing me out. I have a B and a B- which is really scary. Everytime I'm happy is the same time when I stop focusing as much on school but then my grades start to slip and I get sad again because I have to go back to focusing on school. I wish that I didn't automatically assume people hated me after they didnt talk to me for a day. I need people to need me but I'm just not really getting enough of that. All in all, today wasn't the worst day ever so it's okay.

Here's some photos:
https://64.media.tumblr.com/a9088073bf83ea3278133a7f9f32e706/4ca785078be169a0-e7/s500x750/ab3217ac4cf044842d0bcf3fce966cbc4c0064f3.jpg
https://64.media.tumblr.com/46a84350ac42b1cf32393c76e857649f/d2f0be96aa0f6557-0c/s500x750/f0e5ceae3b9345ffcf71c5cab3e2ecd3f1100218.jpg

4/20/2021 - 5/4/2021
8:57 AM

It's been like two weeks and quite a bit has happened but I just didn't really know how to write about it. Basically, I've raised my grades in school, I just have to get my two B+'s back up into A's and my mom pulled me out of the MAP test so school is kinda taken care of. Like a week ago on about the 26th of April, my mom took my phone away because she heard me tell my friend about something she said. Then she said she didn't say it and was hurt and "dint trust her own daughter" or some shit. The thing she had said had been something transphobic. And then she said she didn't say it. But I really thought she had. So than she took away my phone and laptop and told me the person I had been speaking to was a "bad influence" and said I couldn't talk to them anymore because she had been listening in on our conversation and had heard my friend respond to what I said with "She had no right to say that." Also like two days ago on the 2nd me and this guy started dating so thats cool. I really do like him a lot. I think that over all I'm doing okay.

Here's some photos:
https://64.media.tumblr.com/c22a05605108d7134a3f413ba00a7e1d/tumblr_pbvxsxI5mc1qdkz98o3_640.jpg
https://64.media.tumblr.com/13a09108658738a6765b340d6902b2df/tumblr_p43pftCLuM1w78ln1o1_640.jpg

5/11/2021
12:55

TW// Self harm
I’m so dysphoric. I want my boobs gone. I want them off my body. I hate this. I almost cut them off myself yesterday but it would probably look like shit so I didn’t. Instead, I just cut on them. All the way around them both and on top mostly and a bit on the bottom. It was so bad and bleeding. I had to put my bra back on and it keeps rubbing against them. I’m so sick of living in this body that dosent feel like mine. I’m so tired of this. My bf is cool and I love him a lot. He’s just been going through a lot lately and there’s nothing I can do about it to help him. I got my grades back up. Both my Bs are now A-s. So I now have all As and 3 of them are A-s but it’s still not good enough. Everything is so stressful and tiring. I only have about a month left until I graduate middle school. I don’t want to graduate, I don’t want to hear my stupid birth name. I’m so tired.

5/29/2021
2:02 am on the 30th

Today was extremely bad.