mentol illness luv

my family's been fucking with my brain lately (as if that's not the usual) and i keep, for some reason, trying to fix things only for them to tear apart every attempt I make.
it's evolved into actual gaslighting when I'm only trying to make plans so we could at least try to act like a normal happy family for a day or two.

idk what to do anymore
if I talk I'm hysterical, if I don't I'm rude and don't care about them. feels as though everything I do is wrong in some way.

I've been getting lost in daydreams a lot lately because of this, almost to the point of dissociation, I lose myself in fantasies in the few moments I have to myself or when no one's attention is on me and it's the only thing that's been keeping me going these days. venting about my problems doesn't work anymore, I feel like I'm repeating myself, oversharing to friends that have heard it all before because this keeps happening time and time again and I don't blame them when they simply don't reply or don't read my messages because they've got their own problems and mine are simply too exhausting. I love my friends, I know they don't ignore me on purpose, they should tho.

I can't keep escaping to my dumb fantasies about fictional characters or some alternative reality where I'm away and happy and stable because I can't keep deluding myself like that but no matter how hard I try to face reality and fix it it's just too easy to take comfort in daydreams when everything falls apart around me despite all effort.

the comfort is always followed by some weird desire to reset, not end it all but just start over. tho that's impossible, starting over when I'm stuck in one place, with the same people, being the same person and I hate it all (not my friends tho I love them hh).
it's like everything's been conditioned to fail from the start, me, my family, where I stand in life. I feel stuck, like trying is worthless and too tiring because I'm wrong no matter what.

ooh so edgy of me to think this way when so many people out there have it million times worse than I do. I hate myself and even this self pity isnt safe from that self hatred. I can't even take my own feelings seriously without thinking I'm being ridiculous.

I said I wasn't looking for an end but a reset instead but it's so much easier to just want to die like I wanted to years ago.
I don't, I think, not really, not that much.

all this to say: I'm back to thinking of Sylvain's tits and how they would make my life 100 times better if they were squished against my face