♡ dumb poetry ♡ UPDATE 11.3.21

♡ emotional dump ♡

I used to be the type of person to trust everyone. I was so happy, and free
I think you should just move on
I think you deserve better
I say i'll fuck up
I say it's so hard to be trusting now
I wish i could tell you how guilty i feel! i wish my brain would stop lying to me.
I don't understand my mind anymore
and i push you away because my trust is so broken
I want you to go, but i'm oh so alone
I want revenge, i want bloodshed, but not from you
I could never hurt you. i don't want that, i want him to hurt
words are so hard, i wish i could explain
i feel so fucking crazy, you know about my pain
i don't know what to do, i'm lost wherever i turn
that lust you have for me, it makes my stomach churn

i used to love being in love, used to love being free
used to smile, when you'd come home, you had my key

then you turned. you chose to hurt me
and then i chose, i just want to be free

nothing could prepare me for how alone i would be
i need him! please don't say he's guilty
i would challenge my mind trying to come up with excuses
"it was just the one time, i swear he loves me, it was just one drink to many, i just fell over, i swear the scars are just from childhood"

i swear i'm okay, let's put on a show, stand up straight, fake a smile, and don't let them know.
hide your scars under chunky hoodies, try not to flinch if they catch a glimpse.

"you're doing this for attention, stop speaking out, you should shut up, be a good girlfriend, boys will be boys"

so yes. i don't trust you, i don't trust myself, but i'm trying to forget, let the memories rot on a shelf
but just like the scars, the way i bruise so easy, they won't go, they're here to show, that i'm so fucking weak.

free once again, but i still want you, he just had a bad day, don't say he's guilty.

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and no, i don’t care about the mascara stains on my hoodie sleeves,
or the long walk back home in the rain, the wind blowing about leaves,
it’s the way his voice lingers, him running his fingers-
i hate all this pain, so much shame. oh, but i can’t just leave, for he loves me. the very thought makes me go weak at the knees

(i'll keep updating this if i write more)