[TW: Mental/Verbal Abuse] [Vent]

He's screaming at us again. This time it's over the placement of the cat food--a trivial thing in most other households. but when he gets riled up like this, he acts without thinking.

It never... gets easier to sit through it.

The constant barrage of noise echoes against the inner walls of my ear drums, numbing my thoughts with harsh words long before I can think to answer. My lip quivers before I can start to speak, the tears rush to my eyes, and before I can say anything I become completely overwhelmed. I parrot back what he wants to hear in order to spare myself, but it's never enough. His sharp tongue cuts me like a blade of silver plunged into my heart, hitting me right where it hurts the most.

"How are you ever going to hold a job?"

I blink. His question remains unanswered as I try to slip away, fighting back the urge to let out any sound.

"Are you going to break down and cry when your boss yells at you?"

There are too many thoughts swirling through my head to tell him the truth. A truth that would surely cause him to bring out words to obliterate any sense of self love I've managed to hide from his gaping maw in the past. The only truth he sees is the one he's laid out in front of himself--a thick wall shielding him from the feelings and reactions of others. He does not truly care for my answer, but the one he expects me to give to him, just so he can scream some more.

It never gets better.

The memories flood back to me as I sit here. They come back every time, the moments that haunt me the most. Visions of a child begging for the sound to stop, only for it to be blasted louder. A father red with anger as he refuses to believe tears are a natural reaction.

I'm faking. I'm crying for sympathy. I'm doing it to taunt him. I'm escaping my punishment. I'm weak.

All while the insults get hurled at my young brain, too small to comprehend what required such an explosive reaction. The sound waves hit my unshielded body, the mental blow too much for me to handle. I crumple, a wilted flower poisoned by the chemicals spewing out of his filthy mouth, yet he continues his attack.

I am forever damaged by the wounds given to me at such a young age. The countless years I've spent training myself to stand tall in the face of it all dissipate when he uses his weapon. I am brought back those painful memories of my past, unable to think or percieve new information.

He will never begin to understand how I've forced myself to grow up much faster than most, in order to handle the sheer noise of it all, only for that to come crashing down once he gets mad. He is my one weakness, my downfall. He is the reason I fear the sound. If it were anybody else, I would be fully equipped due to what he's put me through after all this time. He is the reason I tremble. His screams make me ache--not the sounds some stranger.

But he will never realize this truth. All I can do is sink into my bed and wait until the next outburst. I can hope to be as good as possible, to have no slip-ups and make no mistakes... but even perfection won't satisfy the beast residing within his core.

I am but a dog, conditioned to whimper when scolded by my cruel master.