thoughts that crawl on the floor

6/22/2021 i feel really terrible and gross like idk im singing up for college and stuff and i have a appointment on zoom with an advisor for my classes but thats on the 29th im going to community college getting an associates in fine arts idk feels kind of dumb especially hearing other artist saying you dont need to go to an art school but im going to not a art school but a community college lol i feel very dumb my parents just want me to go. i dont feel like me at all i look nothing how i wanna look like

(6/22/21 continued) like and when my family]sees someone i think looks really cool there like thats scary like wtf i just wanna move out but i have no car no job but i have terrible anxiety so i think i rather kill myself than learn to drive and get a job and yes i am aware how stupid that sounds like right now its like continue doing what other people want you to do and want you to look like and act or kill myself because i honestly don't have the will to change.

6/15/21 I have trouble making friends some reasons why mabye
1) it takes me a while to warm up to people so i come off as cold or mean
2) i like things a lot of people dont seem to like irl
3) I have bad anxiety so i dont put myself out there if you dont approach i wont
4) even when i am kinda friends with someone i often isolate myself, mabye an inferiority complex

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6/15/21 Im originally from cali and so i follow people i used to know and now that a lot of them are graduating its like cool to see but like a lot are going to large schools like Notre Dame and im finding myself feeling very incompentent and like i could have tried harder as they might have had worst conditions to succeed and did so i feel like was i lazy orr like did want it as bad i think i have really bad anxiety like i haven't done so many things because of it like i havent explicitly said im a

(6/15/21 continued) lesbian but i think thats a n internalized homophobia thing as well as not telling people im nonbinary and it just feels like i will never tell anyone which sucks like i live with my famly and hide so many parts of myself to the point were i dont look anything close to what i want to look like i cant even get a fuckin hair cut because i mutter up the power to even ask they say i have such beautiful long hair like WHAT THE FUCK its honestly so stupid like ive been wanting a binder and i

6/10/21 im about to graduate in a couple of days i'm not necessarily excited like or sad about it i just feel kinda neutral and i tell myself it has not hit me yet but i don't think it will i dont really get excited about the the same things others do and sometimes i wish I did but i think if i did i would be more boring which is kind of and ego thing which tends to get in the way a lot or maybe its and identity thing like the need to be something and but i heard something cool the a while ago and that is

(6/10/21 continued) YOU ARE NOT THE THINGS YOU CONSUME i which is in terms of media and music or things you do which made me think what am i then
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4/30/2021 i should get dressed everyday but i dont wanna get dog hair all on my clothes and have to wash all my clothes what the dilema :-o
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yo im getting Purple Palace's (youtuber) poetry book and her vid to introduce the launch of it....like... ahhh i have to have it she writes very raw like shes talking and she read a couple and i already know ill be blogging about it when i get it. if you dont know purple palace she an american youtuber living in france and her life and the way she lives is just unreal...like shes so free.