TW//SH, MENTAL ILLNESS, SUICIDE//TW

I checked in with my psychiatrist today and I have an anxiety disorder with a psychotic background.
I'm literally so done I want to off myself. My dearest friend is also suicidal and I feel like a dick for not being able to help him the best I can. I don't want him to end up dead but I don't want to end up having another major masking breakdown either.
I feel like I can't reach out for help. The voices haunt me at night keeping me from falling asleep. I don't necessarily feel love. I feel obsession, unhealthy interest in people's life. I don't love people, I've grown to love the attention they give me. I want to believe that they feel appreciated by me. I feel as if I manipulated them into the relationship, subconsciously. I've already thought and thoroughly planned my suicide. It's gonna take no more than 15 minutes. Painless. I just can't keep going anymore. I want the meds to work.